Commenting post of Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, she is an emeritus professor of psychology and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst.

Research statistics

Data from David Rowe of the University of Haifa and his colleagues (2026) on 859 adults (average age 30) was used. Here is how people experienced the breakup.

General personal growth (25%)

In this theme, respondents stated that they were changed for the better by their ex, such as changing “the entire trajectory of my life.”

Development in the realm of intimate relationships (23%)

People expressing this theme felt that they learned about love and intimacy, such as not settling “for anything less than what I deserve in a relationship.”

Positive experiences (9%)

In this theme, no specific mention was made of growth, but instead respondents reflected back on how much the relationship meant to them, such as “he was my once in a lifetime.”

Mixed experiences (16%)

This theme, as the term implies, included reflections on positive and negative aspects of the past relationship, such as “the greatest love and heartbreak of my life.” As the authors note, people mentioning this theme held both “realities” simultaneously without putting them together in some kind of growth narrative.

Negative experiences, but with lessons learned (16%)

As is true for many stressful experiences in life, one way to move on is to derive meaning from this particular “adversity,” in the words of the authors. People who expressed this theme felt that would now be more aware of red flags in a new relationship, or felt that they were “stronger than I thought I was.”

Negative experiences (without growth) (22%)

This large percentage of responses reflected, as the authors note, “a relationship you are still trying to recover from.” Some of the feelings expressed by these responses included a range of negative emotions such as guilt, shame, anger, and rage as well as financial distress.

Comment

People get out of relationships tragically. This is the plan. A person gains experience and comes closer to the Almighty, and people are used as material for this.

Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and everyone who knocks will be opened to. Is there anyone among you who has a son who asks for bread, and he gives him a stone? Or will he ask for fish, and he will give him a snake? So, if you are evil, you know how to give good gifts to your children, so much more will your Father in heaven give good to those who ask him.

Jesus Christ, the Gospel of Matthew (Matthew 7:7-11)

A person develops mindfulness, learns to distinguish, and turns to Him for this purpose every time.

Neutral exit

A person leaves a relationship neutrally, without tragedy, without sarcasm, without humiliation of oneself, without humiliation of the other, without elevation of oneself, without elevation of the other.

An example of a neutral exit from any relationship (personal, professional) is demonstrated in the TV series Vikings on the example of Ragnar Lodbrok.

Dependence

People experience mutual dependence.

A person moves towards independence and becomes like this.

And how about you?